Friday, July 8, 2011
Leveling Up
If you're reading this, you probably haven't read that I've moved! My blog can now be found at ottmur.com. Head on over and enjoy!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Growing Angry
I would have to say that one of my biggest struggles is anger. I get upset pretty easy. It's my default emotion I think. It's at this point that I feel like I need to warn you: The blog is about to make a nerdy left turn.
I play games in my free time. I'm not talking about Yahtzee or Scrabble. Those are both great games, but I'm referring to video games. The interesting thing about playing online with people is that the sinful nature can very easily take you over. Most of the time for me this looks (sounds) like a burst of pure verbal sewage pouring from some great sin reservoir I have. It's rather embarrassing, and my wife hates it. Truth be told, I hate it too. It's just easier to get angry than to deal with not winning at something!
Let me set something straight right now, gaming is not the only thing that makes me angry. There are lots of things that make me want to exact justice on some peeps, but it's not like I'm a Neil version of the Hulk running around hoping to smash and maim whatever gets in my path and looks at me funny. Other drivers, for instance, make me angry even when I'm driving the exact same way. Injustice, it ticks me off. People not heeding others feelings, thoughts, ideas, well-being makes me almost homicidal, even though I do all of those on a daily basis. I've wondered sometimes why I get so angry, for just and unjust reasons. I realized a while back that the reason is that if God created us in His image, then that means that the range of our emotions must also be created in His image. Unfortunately, the fall must have warped what was a powerful agent to see justice prevail into a base emotion that roils and burns when it shouldn't.
I came to today's passage and was quickly reminded of this. I know that when people are trying to come up with arguments for why they don't believe in God that this passage could probably be used to make their case. On the surface, it looks like at the best God is a manic depressive creep who's ready to wipe out the people He supposedly loves in a heart-beat upon their tiniest of infractions. He certainly burns with anger in the passage I looked at, but if we're honest with ourselves, we can't fathom this type of anger. We only get a glimpse of how God's anger must work. We get such an imperfect example of how it's supposed to be if we use our own anger as the standard. Our anger burns when Starbucks gets our order wrong, and I'm sure the lightning would fly if we were in charge. Poor baristas. They always get the smiting shaft. But God's anger is perfect because He is perfect. Think about that for a second. It doesn't make sense in our frame of reference. This is what Number 14:10-12 says:
10 But all the congregation said to stone them with stones. Then the glory of the LORD appeared in the tent of meeting to all the sons of Israel.
11 The LORD said to Moses, "How long will this people spurn Me? And how long will they not believe in Me, despite all the signs which I have performed in their midst?
12 I will smite them with pestilence and dispossess them, and I will make you into a nation greater and mightier than they."
So how did this come about? The spies returning from the promised land with the report that the nation of Israel faced a tough challenge. There were giants, and conquering them doesn't look like it's going to be feasible. The people being the wonderfully trusting individuals they are respond by putting a plan together. A plan to pick a new leader and walk back to Egypt. Moses and his brother Aaron fall to the ground in supplication because this can only end up one way. They begin to pray for Israel. Two of the spies challenge the nation's thinking. Joshua and Caleb tell them how it is. God is for them, why be afraid? If God has told them to go into the land and take it for their own, then why be fall back now. Who are you trusting Israel? Your own might or God's protection and blessing? The people did not like this. They wanted the easy path. How dare these youth challenge their brilliant plan!? So they go to stone Caleb and Joshua. God shows up and addresses Moses. "I've done a lot for these people. How long will this continue? Tell you what, I'll thin the herd and start over again. I'll start with you faithful few." Do you understand how angry God is right now? In the midst of their idiocy God reveals to the nation that He's fed up. He's ready to wipe the slate and start again. Will the faithful rise to the occasion or will they fall in line with the dissenters and crash and burn, probably literally?
You see Moses and Aaron knew how God would respond to this. Maybe not exactly, but they knew He wasn't going to be happy. Moses spent so much time conversing with God on a personal level. He understood how the latest round of insubordinance would play out. The Bible says Moses and God spoke "face to face, as a man speaks with his friend." (Exo. 33:11) That's why they fell in supplication to God. They were displaying the proper position the nation should have been taking. Laying themselves at God's feet to be used how He desired. Moses knows His God, and knows how serious He truly is about the proposition. Moses knows though that God's name and character are on the line with this experiment called Israel on a global scale, and he knows that God loves His people. It's why the LORD's reacting the way He is. He chose them to represent Him and to eventually reconcile the world to Himself. God wishes to be glorified through His creation, and wants to see if there's anyone who desires the same thing. So he lets the LORD know that he desires to see God glorified through those who fail to trust Him. This is what Moses says in the presence of the nation (Numbers 14-13-19):
13 But Moses said to the LORD, "Then the Egyptians will hear of it, for by Your strength You brought up this people from their midst,
14 and they will tell it to the inhabitants of this land. They have heard that You, O LORD, are in the midst of this people, for You, O LORD, are seen eye to eye, while Your cloud stands over them; and You go before them in a pillar of cloud by day and in a pillar of fire by night.
15 Now if You slay this people as one man, then the nations who have heard of Your fame will say,
16 'Because the LORD could not bring this people into the land which He promised them by oath, therefore He slaughtered them in the wilderness.'
17 But now, I pray, let the power of the Lord be great, just as You have declared,
18 'The LORD is slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness, forgiving(nasah; Heb. to lift, carry, take) iniquity and transgression; but He will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generations.
19 Pardon (salach; Heb. to forgive, pardon), I pray, the iniquity of this people according to the greatness of Your lovingkindness, just as You also have forgiven (nasah; Heb. to lift, carry, take) this people, from Egypt even until now.
Moses knows His God. He knows that God didn't have to say a word. He could have wiped them out and replaced the family of Abraham with the family of Moses without a second thought. But God showed up to teach them some important lessons.
1.) The LORD needs no one, but He chooses to use the broken, ugly, petty, and imperfect to be glorified.
2.) We're all being refined by a Consuming Fire. How well we endure is dependent on our trust in Him.
3.) He will defend those who follow His will and trust Him unflinchingly.
His standard is justice. He wasn't going to let the rabble-rousers win. He wasn't going to sit idly by while the righteous were beaten and killed for standing up for His name and glory. He wanted, especially the ones He had called to be His, to know that. It was so that when people stood to lead them towards God's promise and not away that they would know the difference between the two. I can't say the same for my own anger. I don't think my anger has ever led anyone to glorify God, but I could be wrong.
I know that I haven't always lived up to His standard. I just pray the next time red starts to course through my veins that I remember why that impulse is there. That I am imprinted with One who knows what it is to be angry, and what it is let that anger lead to glorification.
I play games in my free time. I'm not talking about Yahtzee or Scrabble. Those are both great games, but I'm referring to video games. The interesting thing about playing online with people is that the sinful nature can very easily take you over. Most of the time for me this looks (sounds) like a burst of pure verbal sewage pouring from some great sin reservoir I have. It's rather embarrassing, and my wife hates it. Truth be told, I hate it too. It's just easier to get angry than to deal with not winning at something!
Let me set something straight right now, gaming is not the only thing that makes me angry. There are lots of things that make me want to exact justice on some peeps, but it's not like I'm a Neil version of the Hulk running around hoping to smash and maim whatever gets in my path and looks at me funny. Other drivers, for instance, make me angry even when I'm driving the exact same way. Injustice, it ticks me off. People not heeding others feelings, thoughts, ideas, well-being makes me almost homicidal, even though I do all of those on a daily basis. I've wondered sometimes why I get so angry, for just and unjust reasons. I realized a while back that the reason is that if God created us in His image, then that means that the range of our emotions must also be created in His image. Unfortunately, the fall must have warped what was a powerful agent to see justice prevail into a base emotion that roils and burns when it shouldn't.
I came to today's passage and was quickly reminded of this. I know that when people are trying to come up with arguments for why they don't believe in God that this passage could probably be used to make their case. On the surface, it looks like at the best God is a manic depressive creep who's ready to wipe out the people He supposedly loves in a heart-beat upon their tiniest of infractions. He certainly burns with anger in the passage I looked at, but if we're honest with ourselves, we can't fathom this type of anger. We only get a glimpse of how God's anger must work. We get such an imperfect example of how it's supposed to be if we use our own anger as the standard. Our anger burns when Starbucks gets our order wrong, and I'm sure the lightning would fly if we were in charge. Poor baristas. They always get the smiting shaft. But God's anger is perfect because He is perfect. Think about that for a second. It doesn't make sense in our frame of reference. This is what Number 14:10-12 says:
10 But all the congregation said to stone them with stones. Then the glory of the LORD appeared in the tent of meeting to all the sons of Israel.
11 The LORD said to Moses, "How long will this people spurn Me? And how long will they not believe in Me, despite all the signs which I have performed in their midst?
12 I will smite them with pestilence and dispossess them, and I will make you into a nation greater and mightier than they."
So how did this come about? The spies returning from the promised land with the report that the nation of Israel faced a tough challenge. There were giants, and conquering them doesn't look like it's going to be feasible. The people being the wonderfully trusting individuals they are respond by putting a plan together. A plan to pick a new leader and walk back to Egypt. Moses and his brother Aaron fall to the ground in supplication because this can only end up one way. They begin to pray for Israel. Two of the spies challenge the nation's thinking. Joshua and Caleb tell them how it is. God is for them, why be afraid? If God has told them to go into the land and take it for their own, then why be fall back now. Who are you trusting Israel? Your own might or God's protection and blessing? The people did not like this. They wanted the easy path. How dare these youth challenge their brilliant plan!? So they go to stone Caleb and Joshua. God shows up and addresses Moses. "I've done a lot for these people. How long will this continue? Tell you what, I'll thin the herd and start over again. I'll start with you faithful few." Do you understand how angry God is right now? In the midst of their idiocy God reveals to the nation that He's fed up. He's ready to wipe the slate and start again. Will the faithful rise to the occasion or will they fall in line with the dissenters and crash and burn, probably literally?
You see Moses and Aaron knew how God would respond to this. Maybe not exactly, but they knew He wasn't going to be happy. Moses spent so much time conversing with God on a personal level. He understood how the latest round of insubordinance would play out. The Bible says Moses and God spoke "face to face, as a man speaks with his friend." (Exo. 33:11) That's why they fell in supplication to God. They were displaying the proper position the nation should have been taking. Laying themselves at God's feet to be used how He desired. Moses knows His God, and knows how serious He truly is about the proposition. Moses knows though that God's name and character are on the line with this experiment called Israel on a global scale, and he knows that God loves His people. It's why the LORD's reacting the way He is. He chose them to represent Him and to eventually reconcile the world to Himself. God wishes to be glorified through His creation, and wants to see if there's anyone who desires the same thing. So he lets the LORD know that he desires to see God glorified through those who fail to trust Him. This is what Moses says in the presence of the nation (Numbers 14-13-19):
13 But Moses said to the LORD, "Then the Egyptians will hear of it, for by Your strength You brought up this people from their midst,
14 and they will tell it to the inhabitants of this land. They have heard that You, O LORD, are in the midst of this people, for You, O LORD, are seen eye to eye, while Your cloud stands over them; and You go before them in a pillar of cloud by day and in a pillar of fire by night.
15 Now if You slay this people as one man, then the nations who have heard of Your fame will say,
16 'Because the LORD could not bring this people into the land which He promised them by oath, therefore He slaughtered them in the wilderness.'
17 But now, I pray, let the power of the Lord be great, just as You have declared,
18 'The LORD is slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness, forgiving(nasah; Heb. to lift, carry, take) iniquity and transgression; but He will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generations.
19 Pardon (salach; Heb. to forgive, pardon), I pray, the iniquity of this people according to the greatness of Your lovingkindness, just as You also have forgiven (nasah; Heb. to lift, carry, take) this people, from Egypt even until now.
Moses knows His God. He knows that God didn't have to say a word. He could have wiped them out and replaced the family of Abraham with the family of Moses without a second thought. But God showed up to teach them some important lessons.
1.) The LORD needs no one, but He chooses to use the broken, ugly, petty, and imperfect to be glorified.
2.) We're all being refined by a Consuming Fire. How well we endure is dependent on our trust in Him.
3.) He will defend those who follow His will and trust Him unflinchingly.
His standard is justice. He wasn't going to let the rabble-rousers win. He wasn't going to sit idly by while the righteous were beaten and killed for standing up for His name and glory. He wanted, especially the ones He had called to be His, to know that. It was so that when people stood to lead them towards God's promise and not away that they would know the difference between the two. I can't say the same for my own anger. I don't think my anger has ever led anyone to glorify God, but I could be wrong.
I know that I haven't always lived up to His standard. I just pray the next time red starts to course through my veins that I remember why that impulse is there. That I am imprinted with One who knows what it is to be angry, and what it is let that anger lead to glorification.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Not Always What you Expect
Before I begin let me just say that I'm sorry I took the last couple of days off. My July 4 was really fun hanging out with the Mackrills and the Braggs, shooting fireworks, and becoming a hero to a four year old. July 5 was a vacation day and I just got lazy.
This entry is going to be an emotional one for me. You see, on Monday I also went to my uncle's house. It's an amazing house in North Omaha that he purchased a little under a year ago. It was pretty run down and he's done a lot of really neat work to it. It looks absolutely amazing. It wasn't just the carpentry and paint that left me speechless though.
I guess I should start with a little back story. Every once and a while, when I was in high school, we would go to Omaha (from Atkinson) and visit my uncle Tom. When we'd arrive we'd be greeted by Tom and this precocious little red-headed kid. That kid was my cousin Eddie. He was so full of energy, and by energy I mean "power Vegas for a century" type energy. This may sound horrible, but in my teenage coolness, I found it annoying. I probably forgot what it was like to be six years old, or maybe I was just too cool for school. I don't know. I just remember not wanting to be there, or wanting desperately to not be hanging out with someone either way older or way younger than me. It came down to nothing more than me being immature.
It's when I look back on things like this that I wish I was more like my father. My dad is awesome when it comes to kids. It doesn't even matter who's kids they are. It doesn't matter how annoying, hyper, or crazy they are, he just patiently loves on them. It's one of the major examples that I can think of for seeing how Jesus is lived out through a person. I can still see my dad messing around with Eddie, just goofing around. I'm pretty sure that it seemed like a lot of fun. And yet, I still couldn't get out of my own way to see the amazing person that Eddie was becoming.
For a lot of years I lost track of family. And it was for no other reason than pride. Pride that I didn't need another human being, even though mom and dad were paying all my bills. Pride that I was "normal," even when though my dysfunction induced panic attacks. Pride that I could be a better person than my parents, even though they raised me to respect and love others. If I did these types of things with my immediate family, you can bet that my extended family wasn't even on the radar. So for years I didn't really think twice about Eddie, my uncle, or anyone beyond me. And until last summer I didn't even realize how much that's affected me, or how much I've lost.
Last summer, on July 5, just days after returning to Afghanistan from leave, my cousin Eddie was killed. He was a little over a month shy of his 19th birthday. That certainly is tragic, but I found myself really broke up about it. "Why?," I kept asking myself. "Why are you so sad?" I didn't even really remember Eddie as more than a hyper six year old. It wasn't until after his funeral that I finally realized why.
Eddie impacted so many people. I only found this out by listening to stories told at his funeral. He was always the person who would listen to people's problems. He was always the one who desired to help those who needed help. He constantly put others ahead of himself. It's why he joined a scouting unit when he joined the military. He wanted to make sure that others were safe at the cost of his own safety and comfort. He helped kids as a counselor at Camp Pokamoke. He was loved, and treasured, by all who knew him well. He was a good man.
As I stood in a parlor at my uncle's house, I realized why I mourned his loss. It wasn't because I knew him well. It was because I didn't know him well, and I wish that I had. I jumped to conclusions about him even with the little that knew about him. I wrote him off, and honestly, even though he was eleven years my junior I could have learned a lot from him. Edwin Wood will always be a hero. Not because of a battle, or even the way he died. But because of the life he lived. Eddie lived a life worthy to be called a Christ follower, which I've heard, he was. I look forward to one day telling him I'm sorry, and to shaking his hand for being the type of person I wish I could always be.
This entry is going to be an emotional one for me. You see, on Monday I also went to my uncle's house. It's an amazing house in North Omaha that he purchased a little under a year ago. It was pretty run down and he's done a lot of really neat work to it. It looks absolutely amazing. It wasn't just the carpentry and paint that left me speechless though.
I guess I should start with a little back story. Every once and a while, when I was in high school, we would go to Omaha (from Atkinson) and visit my uncle Tom. When we'd arrive we'd be greeted by Tom and this precocious little red-headed kid. That kid was my cousin Eddie. He was so full of energy, and by energy I mean "power Vegas for a century" type energy. This may sound horrible, but in my teenage coolness, I found it annoying. I probably forgot what it was like to be six years old, or maybe I was just too cool for school. I don't know. I just remember not wanting to be there, or wanting desperately to not be hanging out with someone either way older or way younger than me. It came down to nothing more than me being immature.
It's when I look back on things like this that I wish I was more like my father. My dad is awesome when it comes to kids. It doesn't even matter who's kids they are. It doesn't matter how annoying, hyper, or crazy they are, he just patiently loves on them. It's one of the major examples that I can think of for seeing how Jesus is lived out through a person. I can still see my dad messing around with Eddie, just goofing around. I'm pretty sure that it seemed like a lot of fun. And yet, I still couldn't get out of my own way to see the amazing person that Eddie was becoming.
For a lot of years I lost track of family. And it was for no other reason than pride. Pride that I didn't need another human being, even though mom and dad were paying all my bills. Pride that I was "normal," even when though my dysfunction induced panic attacks. Pride that I could be a better person than my parents, even though they raised me to respect and love others. If I did these types of things with my immediate family, you can bet that my extended family wasn't even on the radar. So for years I didn't really think twice about Eddie, my uncle, or anyone beyond me. And until last summer I didn't even realize how much that's affected me, or how much I've lost.
Last summer, on July 5, just days after returning to Afghanistan from leave, my cousin Eddie was killed. He was a little over a month shy of his 19th birthday. That certainly is tragic, but I found myself really broke up about it. "Why?," I kept asking myself. "Why are you so sad?" I didn't even really remember Eddie as more than a hyper six year old. It wasn't until after his funeral that I finally realized why.
Eddie impacted so many people. I only found this out by listening to stories told at his funeral. He was always the person who would listen to people's problems. He was always the one who desired to help those who needed help. He constantly put others ahead of himself. It's why he joined a scouting unit when he joined the military. He wanted to make sure that others were safe at the cost of his own safety and comfort. He helped kids as a counselor at Camp Pokamoke. He was loved, and treasured, by all who knew him well. He was a good man.
As I stood in a parlor at my uncle's house, I realized why I mourned his loss. It wasn't because I knew him well. It was because I didn't know him well, and I wish that I had. I jumped to conclusions about him even with the little that knew about him. I wrote him off, and honestly, even though he was eleven years my junior I could have learned a lot from him. Edwin Wood will always be a hero. Not because of a battle, or even the way he died. But because of the life he lived. Eddie lived a life worthy to be called a Christ follower, which I've heard, he was. I look forward to one day telling him I'm sorry, and to shaking his hand for being the type of person I wish I could always be.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Comfortability
That's right. I'm following up a post titled "Uncomfortability" with another post titled "Comfortability." That's just how I roll.
For the past couple of weeks my in-laws have been in town. It's nice to get to hang out with them, even if it's just to watch a TV show or a round of golf. I liked having them around, and not just because my mother-in-law made my daughter's room look awesome. I may not have acted like I enjoyed the company a lot at the time, but I did enjoy it. I know I was probably a jerk sometimes, but it's only because I like routine. I like having my space and my time, and doing what I want with it. It's too bad that I live on a planet with people.
I think that's why I really enjoy showering. It's really one of the only places where you can truly be alone. The shower is one of the best places to think and reflect. And that's usually what I do.
I challenged myself some time ago to spend that time praying to God and meditating on life. As I sat in my shower today I realized that I hadn't been doing that lately. I can't give any reason other than laziness. I'm pretty sure my thinking was that I had been so "generous" with my space that I unconsciously started hoarding my own time. I didn't want to spend precious moments doing other things than what I wanted to do, and the first thing to go was my morning time talking to and praising God. You know what? I realized that over the past two weeks I've missed a lot of opportunities. Opportunities to thank Him for great things He's placed in my life. The form of a tiny foot kicking my hand through my wife's stomach, a father-in-law who is as wise as he is gracious, a house that keeps us cool in the summer and warm in the winter, and the list could go on.
Our human thinking tells us that comfort is the best place for us to be. When I look at people in the Bible, none of them accomplished anything by God letting them hang in a posh, non-sacrificing life. It's sad that sometimes the only way we find how much we love those little things in life is when we have to be in the pit of discomfort. The more I think about it, even with comfortable people in your life, discomfort is there to make us realize what we have.
My prayer for you and for me as we head into this weekend is that you take a little bit of time, thank God for not keeping you comfortable (or maybe to make you uncomfortable), and rest in your discomfort.
For the past couple of weeks my in-laws have been in town. It's nice to get to hang out with them, even if it's just to watch a TV show or a round of golf. I liked having them around, and not just because my mother-in-law made my daughter's room look awesome. I may not have acted like I enjoyed the company a lot at the time, but I did enjoy it. I know I was probably a jerk sometimes, but it's only because I like routine. I like having my space and my time, and doing what I want with it. It's too bad that I live on a planet with people.
I think that's why I really enjoy showering. It's really one of the only places where you can truly be alone. The shower is one of the best places to think and reflect. And that's usually what I do.
I challenged myself some time ago to spend that time praying to God and meditating on life. As I sat in my shower today I realized that I hadn't been doing that lately. I can't give any reason other than laziness. I'm pretty sure my thinking was that I had been so "generous" with my space that I unconsciously started hoarding my own time. I didn't want to spend precious moments doing other things than what I wanted to do, and the first thing to go was my morning time talking to and praising God. You know what? I realized that over the past two weeks I've missed a lot of opportunities. Opportunities to thank Him for great things He's placed in my life. The form of a tiny foot kicking my hand through my wife's stomach, a father-in-law who is as wise as he is gracious, a house that keeps us cool in the summer and warm in the winter, and the list could go on.
Our human thinking tells us that comfort is the best place for us to be. When I look at people in the Bible, none of them accomplished anything by God letting them hang in a posh, non-sacrificing life. It's sad that sometimes the only way we find how much we love those little things in life is when we have to be in the pit of discomfort. The more I think about it, even with comfortable people in your life, discomfort is there to make us realize what we have.
My prayer for you and for me as we head into this weekend is that you take a little bit of time, thank God for not keeping you comfortable (or maybe to make you uncomfortable), and rest in your discomfort.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Uncomfortability
Growing isn't easy. Anyone who tells you different is selling something. Anyone who's out of puberty can tell you that growing is downright painful at times. And I'm not just talking about "relationships" falling apart, or your ideal boy/girlfriend getting a significant other (I'm still waiting for Kelly Kapowski to ask me out). I remember coming home from cross country or track practice and having my legs just absolutely ache after a long run. I used to think that the long runs were the culprit, but then I'd get the same aches on days where I did absolutely no running. It turns out getting longer makes your bones hurt. Who knew growing at an astonishing rate could actually cause physical pain?
I bring up this painful adolescent memory because it's how I feel about today's post. I couldn't, for the longest time this morning, figure out how I was going to write this post. Maybe it's that I don't have as firm a grasp on the concept of forgiveness as I thought I did. Maybe it's that the Old Testament has some wacky ideas about forgiveness. I don't think the latter is true. Our God is unchanging, so it stands to reason that in His forgiveness He is unchanging also, but the modes change. Well, let me let you read it for yourselves and you'll see what I mean. Exodus 34:6-7:
6 Then the LORD passed by in front of him and proclaimed, “The LORD, the LORD God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth;
7 who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives (nasah; Heb. to life, carry, take) iniquity, transgression and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations.”
It really doesn't seem like an all that forgiving passage. Doesn't forgiving mean letting go of the wrongdoing? I struggled to come up with a good lesson from that. So basically, God will forgive you, but don't test Him for too long or your kids and their kids will pay the price. Amen! Good blog. Thanks for reading!
Just kidding. I couldn't bring the above section of Scripture in line with what I know about God. I couldn't justify believing in a God who says He's patient and in the very next sentence seems vindictive. Thankfully, that's why God puts His words in context, always in context. If you go back to Exodus 20:5 you find this:
5 You shall not worship them or serve them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and the fourth generations of those who hate Me,
Got it now? No? There's a formula here. God is giving Moses the Ten Commandments to then give to the nation of Israel. This verse is part of the second commandment which states that they were not to worship any idol. By the way, it was preceded by "You shall have no other gods before me." And this is what God goes on to say in verse 6 of chapter 20:
6 but showing lovingkindness to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.
Does that sound familiar? It should because it's exactly what God says in chapter 34. So why the repetition? Well, you have to realize what happened in the chapters between Exodus 20 and 34.
Moses goes up to hear from God. He doesn't come back for six weeks. He's up there getting The Law, but the people are getting nervous. Moses comes down off the mountain (at God's prompting) to find that Israel has melted down their gold and started worshiping a golden calf idol. Moses breaks the tablets that hold the commandments and they move on from Mt. Sinai, but God does not go among them. He meets only with Moses inside of a tent outside of the main Israelite camp. A little later on God commands Moses to carve out two more tablets. That's a huge paraphrase of what was happening. It's a huge story with lots of challenging lessons mixed in over and over again.
This is where the pain sets in for me. The growing pain, I mean. My God is unconditionally forgiving. But He's also unconditionally just. He's ever patient, but also jealous. He wants us to follow after Him, to listen to Him, to be changed by Him. One of my favorite Hebrew words is in those verses. We know it as lovingkindness. In Hebrew it's chesed. It literally means goodness/kindness, but of the persistent type. It never ends. He is forever good, and this word is found littered throughout the OT in describing God. And yet, if I use me as a standard "visiting iniquity to the third and fourth generations" doesn't seem that good. That's why I'm not the standard.
Goodness doesn't necessarily mean letting people off with no consequences. Especially those who feel they're entitled to forgiveness. Goodness sometimes means letting people feel the full weight of their sin. Man, I hate that sentence. I hate feeling the weight of what I've brought on myself, and yet, sometimes that's what we need in order to see His goodness. I know how backwards that sounds. Sometimes His goodness can only be expressed by making us come to the end of ourselves. Sometimes He has to destroy in order to rebuild. I love how that little part of Exodus 34 ends. Moses realizes what God is saying, and makes this profound plea for his people:
8 Moses made haste to bow low toward the earth and worship.
9 He said," If now I have found favor in Your sight, O Lord, I pray, let the Lord go along in our midst, even though the people are obstinate, and pardon our iniquity and our sin, and take us as Your own possession."
I hope I can remember that prayer in the middle of my failings. I know that in spite of my obstinance, God forgives. I hope that I let Him take me as His own possession. No matter what pain comes my way, He's the only One who can soothe the ache.
I bring up this painful adolescent memory because it's how I feel about today's post. I couldn't, for the longest time this morning, figure out how I was going to write this post. Maybe it's that I don't have as firm a grasp on the concept of forgiveness as I thought I did. Maybe it's that the Old Testament has some wacky ideas about forgiveness. I don't think the latter is true. Our God is unchanging, so it stands to reason that in His forgiveness He is unchanging also, but the modes change. Well, let me let you read it for yourselves and you'll see what I mean. Exodus 34:6-7:
6 Then the LORD passed by in front of him and proclaimed, “The LORD, the LORD God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth;
7 who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives (nasah; Heb. to life, carry, take) iniquity, transgression and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations.”
It really doesn't seem like an all that forgiving passage. Doesn't forgiving mean letting go of the wrongdoing? I struggled to come up with a good lesson from that. So basically, God will forgive you, but don't test Him for too long or your kids and their kids will pay the price. Amen! Good blog. Thanks for reading!
Just kidding. I couldn't bring the above section of Scripture in line with what I know about God. I couldn't justify believing in a God who says He's patient and in the very next sentence seems vindictive. Thankfully, that's why God puts His words in context, always in context. If you go back to Exodus 20:5 you find this:
5 You shall not worship them or serve them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and the fourth generations of those who hate Me,
Got it now? No? There's a formula here. God is giving Moses the Ten Commandments to then give to the nation of Israel. This verse is part of the second commandment which states that they were not to worship any idol. By the way, it was preceded by "You shall have no other gods before me." And this is what God goes on to say in verse 6 of chapter 20:
6 but showing lovingkindness to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.
Does that sound familiar? It should because it's exactly what God says in chapter 34. So why the repetition? Well, you have to realize what happened in the chapters between Exodus 20 and 34.
Moses goes up to hear from God. He doesn't come back for six weeks. He's up there getting The Law, but the people are getting nervous. Moses comes down off the mountain (at God's prompting) to find that Israel has melted down their gold and started worshiping a golden calf idol. Moses breaks the tablets that hold the commandments and they move on from Mt. Sinai, but God does not go among them. He meets only with Moses inside of a tent outside of the main Israelite camp. A little later on God commands Moses to carve out two more tablets. That's a huge paraphrase of what was happening. It's a huge story with lots of challenging lessons mixed in over and over again.
This is where the pain sets in for me. The growing pain, I mean. My God is unconditionally forgiving. But He's also unconditionally just. He's ever patient, but also jealous. He wants us to follow after Him, to listen to Him, to be changed by Him. One of my favorite Hebrew words is in those verses. We know it as lovingkindness. In Hebrew it's chesed. It literally means goodness/kindness, but of the persistent type. It never ends. He is forever good, and this word is found littered throughout the OT in describing God. And yet, if I use me as a standard "visiting iniquity to the third and fourth generations" doesn't seem that good. That's why I'm not the standard.
Goodness doesn't necessarily mean letting people off with no consequences. Especially those who feel they're entitled to forgiveness. Goodness sometimes means letting people feel the full weight of their sin. Man, I hate that sentence. I hate feeling the weight of what I've brought on myself, and yet, sometimes that's what we need in order to see His goodness. I know how backwards that sounds. Sometimes His goodness can only be expressed by making us come to the end of ourselves. Sometimes He has to destroy in order to rebuild. I love how that little part of Exodus 34 ends. Moses realizes what God is saying, and makes this profound plea for his people:
8 Moses made haste to bow low toward the earth and worship.
9 He said," If now I have found favor in Your sight, O Lord, I pray, let the Lord go along in our midst, even though the people are obstinate, and pardon our iniquity and our sin, and take us as Your own possession."
I hope I can remember that prayer in the middle of my failings. I know that in spite of my obstinance, God forgives. I hope that I let Him take me as His own possession. No matter what pain comes my way, He's the only One who can soothe the ache.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Not Really Worthy
I had a whole post typed out today. It was mostly just complaining. You see, I'm in a terrible mood today. No rhyme, no reason. Just felt like making every one else miserable today.
I was driving to get something healthy to eat for lunch. On my way to Hardy's, I came up behind my favorite type of person, the slow left lane driver. Words uttered forth from my mouth pertaining to what I thought about this particular driver. They were not nice. Funny thing is I was listening to my iPod at that very instant, and only moments before I had been singing along to Needtobreathe. The line that I had just sang was:
Let the songs I sing bring joy to You
Let the words I say confess my love
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune
Father, let my heart be after You
While this line isn't really pertaining to our interactions with others, it IS a prayer from the bottom of my heart. I immediately realized why slow left lane driver was doing what they were doing. They were apprehensive of a semi in the right lane. I remember my mom saying when I was a kid, "I hate passing semi's. They're always so scary." Maybe SLLD (that's right, feel free to use that) had a similar fear. Even if it wasn't a fear of semi's, I don't know their story. Who knows why they're driving that way? It's really just irrelevant. I was just impatient and was inconvenienced for an extra minute and a half. If that person could know who I am, and what I do, and what expletive I had just used to describe them, what would they think of Jesus.
My next thought was, "Ugh. I am not worthy to represent You. I am so sorry." Great sentiment, but you know what happened next? I went home and treated everybody in my basement (my wife and in-laws who are visiting) like junk. The shame didn't last long.
I spent the better part of this afternoon struggling with this. Like I said, I had a whole post typed out. It was going to just rail against all sorts of things. But none of it had anything to do with that brief minute where God let me see what I was really doing to those who were around me. I was just going to complain about all the things that were pissing me off today, and, oh well, maybe God's going to make something great out of it.
God already made a profound statement today, trouble is I didn't want to really be changed by it. I'm not really worthy to be identified with Him. I don't deserve that. And yet He identifies me as His. Even when I don't live up to the great Name that calls me.
Father, let my heart be after You.
I was driving to get something healthy to eat for lunch. On my way to Hardy's, I came up behind my favorite type of person, the slow left lane driver. Words uttered forth from my mouth pertaining to what I thought about this particular driver. They were not nice. Funny thing is I was listening to my iPod at that very instant, and only moments before I had been singing along to Needtobreathe. The line that I had just sang was:
Let the songs I sing bring joy to You
Let the words I say confess my love
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune
Father, let my heart be after You
While this line isn't really pertaining to our interactions with others, it IS a prayer from the bottom of my heart. I immediately realized why slow left lane driver was doing what they were doing. They were apprehensive of a semi in the right lane. I remember my mom saying when I was a kid, "I hate passing semi's. They're always so scary." Maybe SLLD (that's right, feel free to use that) had a similar fear. Even if it wasn't a fear of semi's, I don't know their story. Who knows why they're driving that way? It's really just irrelevant. I was just impatient and was inconvenienced for an extra minute and a half. If that person could know who I am, and what I do, and what expletive I had just used to describe them, what would they think of Jesus.
My next thought was, "Ugh. I am not worthy to represent You. I am so sorry." Great sentiment, but you know what happened next? I went home and treated everybody in my basement (my wife and in-laws who are visiting) like junk. The shame didn't last long.
I spent the better part of this afternoon struggling with this. Like I said, I had a whole post typed out. It was going to just rail against all sorts of things. But none of it had anything to do with that brief minute where God let me see what I was really doing to those who were around me. I was just going to complain about all the things that were pissing me off today, and, oh well, maybe God's going to make something great out of it.
God already made a profound statement today, trouble is I didn't want to really be changed by it. I'm not really worthy to be identified with Him. I don't deserve that. And yet He identifies me as His. Even when I don't live up to the great Name that calls me.
Father, let my heart be after You.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Old Ways
I used to have this awesome chair. It was a leather office chair I got from my father-in-law that was a little torn up. It had a hole worn in one of the arm rests and the stuffing was spilling out, and it tilted a little to the right when you weren't sitting in it. But it was probably the best chair that I've ever owned. Many a late night was spent "pwning n00bs" in that chair. Plenty of last minute and not-so-last-minute papers were written from its comfy, leathery goodness. I should mention that Jan hated owning that chair. Maybe that's an overstatement, but she certainly didn't want to keep it.
I was rather stubborn when it came to that chair. So much so that we ended up hauling it from Phoenix all the way to Omaha when we moved here almost three years ago. For the last little bit it sat in our basement not really being used. To be honest I don't even remember when we got rid of it. I remember it being difficult to get rid of though. It's moments like that where I feel like if I didn't have Jan in my life I would be a future participant on the show "Hoarders."
Why all the reminiscing about a chair? Well, because I feel like I'm sliding back into a comfortable old chair. A chair that I've wanted to take to the dump for a while, but keep going back to the dumpster to dig out and use over and over again regardless of where it's been.
It's really funny (not ha-ha) how quickly you can fall back into old patterns. Sometimes it's triggered by things you can't control, like a death in the family, or someone perpetrating some sort of injustice against you. But more often than not it's just us getting lazy and going back to something comfortable. When I started this blog a little under a month ago I was really gung-ho about this whole being more forgiving thing. My attitude was better. I was seeing people in a new light. I felt (as much as I hate using that word right now) like I was heading down the path God would want me to take. But...
Well, I don't "feel" that way any more. It "feels" better to be a curmudgeon. It "feels" better to hold that grudge for even the slightest of offenses. It "feels" better to get my way. You know what's funny (again, not ha-ha)? Those Hebrew and Greek words that I've been looking up have been trying to tell me the sustained forgiveness story. Words like "permit," and "carry away" are seeming to get mixed in with my own form of forgiveness. Which really isn't forgiveness at all. My forgiveness looks more like "let it go for now, but I'll surely bring it back up when I can get something out of it."
I guess God put this blog on my heart to make sure that I'd be accountable. Sure there are plenty of people that I could meet with off the interwebz, but nothing holds you true to a course than knowing that people will read your blog AND see you in real life. I guess that's why I wrote this post. So you all would know that even though the blog is new, the pattern isn't. It's digging through the dumpster of life when there's so much more to experience.
Really, no one's going to think that a ratty, old chair is the most comfortable chair ever. And even if it is, that doesn't mean that it needs to stick around. There are better places to rest.
I was rather stubborn when it came to that chair. So much so that we ended up hauling it from Phoenix all the way to Omaha when we moved here almost three years ago. For the last little bit it sat in our basement not really being used. To be honest I don't even remember when we got rid of it. I remember it being difficult to get rid of though. It's moments like that where I feel like if I didn't have Jan in my life I would be a future participant on the show "Hoarders."
Why all the reminiscing about a chair? Well, because I feel like I'm sliding back into a comfortable old chair. A chair that I've wanted to take to the dump for a while, but keep going back to the dumpster to dig out and use over and over again regardless of where it's been.
It's really funny (not ha-ha) how quickly you can fall back into old patterns. Sometimes it's triggered by things you can't control, like a death in the family, or someone perpetrating some sort of injustice against you. But more often than not it's just us getting lazy and going back to something comfortable. When I started this blog a little under a month ago I was really gung-ho about this whole being more forgiving thing. My attitude was better. I was seeing people in a new light. I felt (as much as I hate using that word right now) like I was heading down the path God would want me to take. But...
Well, I don't "feel" that way any more. It "feels" better to be a curmudgeon. It "feels" better to hold that grudge for even the slightest of offenses. It "feels" better to get my way. You know what's funny (again, not ha-ha)? Those Hebrew and Greek words that I've been looking up have been trying to tell me the sustained forgiveness story. Words like "permit," and "carry away" are seeming to get mixed in with my own form of forgiveness. Which really isn't forgiveness at all. My forgiveness looks more like "let it go for now, but I'll surely bring it back up when I can get something out of it."
I guess God put this blog on my heart to make sure that I'd be accountable. Sure there are plenty of people that I could meet with off the interwebz, but nothing holds you true to a course than knowing that people will read your blog AND see you in real life. I guess that's why I wrote this post. So you all would know that even though the blog is new, the pattern isn't. It's digging through the dumpster of life when there's so much more to experience.
Really, no one's going to think that a ratty, old chair is the most comfortable chair ever. And even if it is, that doesn't mean that it needs to stick around. There are better places to rest.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
My Attempt at a Guest Post for SCL
Hey all! If I haven't talked to you about it already, there's a great blog out there called "Stuff Christians Like." It's written by this very funny guy named Jon Acuff, and you can view it here. If you haven't/aren't reading it yet, you need to. It's got lots of great entries there.
Well, on Friday he posted saying that anyone who wants to have a potential guest post should email him their entry. I wrote one and emailed it today, but I thought that I should also post it here and get some feedback from you guys. Let me know what you think. I present:
Well, on Friday he posted saying that anyone who wants to have a potential guest post should email him their entry. I wrote one and emailed it today, but I thought that I should also post it here and get some feedback from you guys. Let me know what you think. I present:
Listening to the Same Five Songs on the Radio
I really do love music. I particularly love the strides that Christians have made in music lately. You can’t swing an offering bag without hitting a talented group of Christians who make great music. I’m completely aware that not everyone has the same tastes in music. I mean, for crying out loud, I’m sure my youth pastor hated my obsession with Five Iron Frenzy when I was in youth group. But for any style you choose there’s a group for you.
Want a Christian version of the “Sing Off” (did anyone else love that show as much as me) cast recordings? You’re in luck! The winners this year were a Gospel group! Want to get into the punk scene without all the pesky anarchy? There’s a band for you! Check out any number of West Coast artists who have been around since the ‘90s. Love hand bell music? There’s probably a group for you somewhere (Sorry, I’m not very down with the hand bell scene).
With all this diversity you’d think that there wouldn’t be hardly any repetition when you listen to Christian radio. Alas, that is not the case. I’ve often wondered why that was, and after careful reflection I think that I’ve finally figured it out. I submit to you the five reasons we only ever listen to the same five songs on Christian radio stations:
1.) The Worship Eagle Gets to Pick the Rotation
That merciless dictator the Worship Eagle has a very specific idea of what’s edifying. He loves his style and so will everyone else. The Worship Eagle determines what the masses will listen to, and the Worship Eagle wants to listen to the Newsboys.
2.) Different Versions of “Blessed Be Your Name”
Any band who’s wants to be taken seriously as a worship band has to do a version of “Blessed Be Your Name.” Since that truism is in effect, it stands to reason that the choices are numerous. How are you supposed to know which version is the best or even your favorite if you haven’t heard them all? Fear not! It’ll be in rotation until at least 2024 because there’s a new version coming out every day. Really, the Worship Eagle is doing you a favor.
3.) Multiple Layers of Truth
Music can bring up so many important truths about life. A lot of the time, you’re not going to get all the truthiness out of a song on the first listen through. What better way to glean all the spiritual truth from a song than to listen to it over and over and over again? It’s like digging for oil. Those guys didn’t just give up after a couple of feet of tough drilling. They kept going until they hit pay-dirt! Just keep listening! You’ll get the life-change moment eventually!
4.) The Song Sounds Like a Popular Secular Band
Pretty self explanatory. How else are we to reach the kids these days? We have to have alternatives to what they’re listening to. I’m excited for the launch of the Christian version of Lady Gaga in 2013.
5.) They’re “Christians in a Band”
This one is similar to number 4, but it has a very special distinction: the band’s songs have become super popular and seem to be about something more than unrequited love, Friday, or partying in the USA. Now that we know where they stand on spiritual things, it’s ok to play the song on the radio. And play it we will. Because nothing says relevance like jumping on a band wagon.
I feel better now that I’ve got that figured out. It’s been something that’s been bothering me for a while. Oh! Hang on, I think I hear Kirk Franklin and choir’s Matt Redman Medley starting.
Were there any reasons I missed?
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Sorry, but not
I really want to avoid being trite with this blog. What I mean is, that if all this ends up being is a never ending series of Jesus Jukes, then I should just stop right now. It doesn't make any sense for me to show you people what God is revealing about forgiveness if I'm not internalizing it at all. And, boy, do I fall into that trap sometimes.
Even though I may pretend like I don't care, I like it when people notice things I do. We all do to some extent, but some times the accolades take precedent for me. So, with this post, I'm going to filet open a part of my past I don't really talk about. Mainly because I spent a lot of my life not being honest about this particular struggle in my life.
My struggle has to do with everything sexual. I don't know why. I can't really explain it, but for as long as I can remember it's always been an area of my life that borders on obsessive. There are things in my head that I wish SO much that I could just forget and move on from, but there they are, like the friend that doesn't realize the party is over and still wants to watch all three extended editions of The Lord of the Rings movies. Is that my second Tolkien reference this week? Well, there goes my quota.
As I was studying this week, I tried so hard to come up with some way to get around writing this post.
"There's got to be some other topic you can talk about? They won't mind. It's not something you NEED to talk about. You're fine watering it down with some sort of movie reference or pop culture tie in. It doesn't need to be real. "
The last thought is what got me, "It doesn't need to be real. " Are you kidding me brain? I don't want MY thoughts on what God says about forgiveness to be real? Then I realized something:
1.) I was buying into a lie. I wasn't going to be fine if I just gave you a canned response to the section I read this week
2.) I was more afraid of losing a facade than of losing credibility.
3.) I believed that I was the only one who needed to learn something from my failing.
So here it is. If I had to judge my life-long purity record strictly from movies I've watched, magazines I've looked at, and websites I've visited, I would give myself a 2 out of 10. This will probably continue to be a struggle for the rest of my life. In the midst of a purity struggle, I have to remind myself that all that is fake and spend time quieting my mind with God: just praying, remembering, capturing thoughts, refocusing, and starting over again until it passes. It's a process I've gotten very used to, and thankfully one that hasn't turned into a methodology because if I were only doing this by rote then I'm sure that this wouldn't just be a struggle.
I know this is awkward for some of you reading, and if you've made it this far into the post, thank you! You're embarrassment is about to pay off.
I read Exodus 10:16-17 this week, and this is what it says:
16 Then Pharaoh hurriedly called for Moses and Aaron, and he said, “I have sinned against the LORD your God and against you.
17 Now therefore, please forgive (nasah; Heb. to life, carry, take) my sin only this once, and make supplication to the LORD your God, that He would only remove this death from me.”
If you don't know where we're at in Bible history, this is the scene: Moses has been called by God to go to Pharoah and tell him to "Let my people go!" We're eight plagues in at this point. Every time a plague happens Pharoah asks Moses to ask God to stop the plague, but doesn't acknowledge any wrong-doing. This is the first time that Pharoah acknowledges sin and "seeks" forgiveness. Notice that he still doesn't acknowledge God as his God. Notice also that he only asks for forgiveness "only this once." These are telling statements for Pharoah and the reason I didn't want to write this post.
Sometimes when I ask for forgiveness, I ask to be let out of the consequences. I want to be done with the guilt and shame, and then I go on my merry way only to fall into the next trap. You see, I'm really sorry for what I've did/have done. Sorry, I forgot you can't read sarcasm through the interwebz.
How can God's glory make itself apparent in that light? Here's the next part of the story:
18 He (Moses) went out from Pharaoh and made supplication to the LORD.
19 the LORD shifted the wind to a very strong west wind which took up the locusts and drove them into the Red Sea; not one locust was left in all the territory of Egypt.
Even though Pharoah hadn't given a single reason for God to believe his sincerity, He still swept the plague from the land when asked for forgiveness! I can't grasp that to be completely honest. After all Pharoah had put His people through and He still removes the locusts so that things can be renewed. Unfortunately that's not the end of this plague story.
20 But the LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart, and he did not let the sons of Israel go.
There's a confusing verse for you. Did God make Pharoah not "Let His people go?" Was God causing Pharoah to sin? Let me ask us another question, "What typically happens when you do something wrong and are forgiven with no questions asked?" If there were no conviction that what I had done was wrong, the answer would be, "Not care." I am desperately wicked. I will never take responsibility if at all possible or reasonable. I will fall into patterns of sin unless I'm given a guide.
The hard question I had to ask myself this week is this: How many times did I ask for forgiveness without ever wanting to hear anything about correction from the Guide? How many times did I take forgiveness only to not want my pattern to change? How many times did I not care that Jesus was nailed to a cross for this even though I took the benefits for granted?
I don't know where along the road that I stopped praying for forgiveness without praying for correction, but I'm glad I stumbled into it. I'm glad God was patient with me through the process. I pray that I never harden my heart that way again.
Even though I may pretend like I don't care, I like it when people notice things I do. We all do to some extent, but some times the accolades take precedent for me. So, with this post, I'm going to filet open a part of my past I don't really talk about. Mainly because I spent a lot of my life not being honest about this particular struggle in my life.
My struggle has to do with everything sexual. I don't know why. I can't really explain it, but for as long as I can remember it's always been an area of my life that borders on obsessive. There are things in my head that I wish SO much that I could just forget and move on from, but there they are, like the friend that doesn't realize the party is over and still wants to watch all three extended editions of The Lord of the Rings movies. Is that my second Tolkien reference this week? Well, there goes my quota.
As I was studying this week, I tried so hard to come up with some way to get around writing this post.
"There's got to be some other topic you can talk about? They won't mind. It's not something you NEED to talk about. You're fine watering it down with some sort of movie reference or pop culture tie in. It doesn't need to be real. "
The last thought is what got me, "It doesn't need to be real. " Are you kidding me brain? I don't want MY thoughts on what God says about forgiveness to be real? Then I realized something:
1.) I was buying into a lie. I wasn't going to be fine if I just gave you a canned response to the section I read this week
2.) I was more afraid of losing a facade than of losing credibility.
3.) I believed that I was the only one who needed to learn something from my failing.
So here it is. If I had to judge my life-long purity record strictly from movies I've watched, magazines I've looked at, and websites I've visited, I would give myself a 2 out of 10. This will probably continue to be a struggle for the rest of my life. In the midst of a purity struggle, I have to remind myself that all that is fake and spend time quieting my mind with God: just praying, remembering, capturing thoughts, refocusing, and starting over again until it passes. It's a process I've gotten very used to, and thankfully one that hasn't turned into a methodology because if I were only doing this by rote then I'm sure that this wouldn't just be a struggle.
I know this is awkward for some of you reading, and if you've made it this far into the post, thank you! You're embarrassment is about to pay off.
I read Exodus 10:16-17 this week, and this is what it says:
16 Then Pharaoh hurriedly called for Moses and Aaron, and he said, “I have sinned against the LORD your God and against you.
17 Now therefore, please forgive (nasah; Heb. to life, carry, take) my sin only this once, and make supplication to the LORD your God, that He would only remove this death from me.”
If you don't know where we're at in Bible history, this is the scene: Moses has been called by God to go to Pharoah and tell him to "Let my people go!" We're eight plagues in at this point. Every time a plague happens Pharoah asks Moses to ask God to stop the plague, but doesn't acknowledge any wrong-doing. This is the first time that Pharoah acknowledges sin and "seeks" forgiveness. Notice that he still doesn't acknowledge God as his God. Notice also that he only asks for forgiveness "only this once." These are telling statements for Pharoah and the reason I didn't want to write this post.
Sometimes when I ask for forgiveness, I ask to be let out of the consequences. I want to be done with the guilt and shame, and then I go on my merry way only to fall into the next trap. You see, I'm really sorry for what I've did/have done. Sorry, I forgot you can't read sarcasm through the interwebz.
How can God's glory make itself apparent in that light? Here's the next part of the story:
18 He (Moses) went out from Pharaoh and made supplication to the LORD.
19 the LORD shifted the wind to a very strong west wind which took up the locusts and drove them into the Red Sea; not one locust was left in all the territory of Egypt.
Even though Pharoah hadn't given a single reason for God to believe his sincerity, He still swept the plague from the land when asked for forgiveness! I can't grasp that to be completely honest. After all Pharoah had put His people through and He still removes the locusts so that things can be renewed. Unfortunately that's not the end of this plague story.
20 But the LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart, and he did not let the sons of Israel go.
There's a confusing verse for you. Did God make Pharoah not "Let His people go?" Was God causing Pharoah to sin? Let me ask us another question, "What typically happens when you do something wrong and are forgiven with no questions asked?" If there were no conviction that what I had done was wrong, the answer would be, "Not care." I am desperately wicked. I will never take responsibility if at all possible or reasonable. I will fall into patterns of sin unless I'm given a guide.
The hard question I had to ask myself this week is this: How many times did I ask for forgiveness without ever wanting to hear anything about correction from the Guide? How many times did I take forgiveness only to not want my pattern to change? How many times did I not care that Jesus was nailed to a cross for this even though I took the benefits for granted?
I don't know where along the road that I stopped praying for forgiveness without praying for correction, but I'm glad I stumbled into it. I'm glad God was patient with me through the process. I pray that I never harden my heart that way again.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Keeping Secrets
Okay, for those of you who don't know already Jan and I will be welcoming a child in September. It is a girl, and I'm comfortable sharing that. What I get really anxious over though is when people ask, "Do you have names picked out already?" Many times when people ask "yes" or "no" questions they're really not asking for a yes or no. The implied, preferred response is that you will then provide the beautiful name that you have picked out. Unfortunately Pilot Inspektor is already taken, so I guess we're going to have to be creative. Mainly because I'm pretty sure that if there was more than one P. I. the universe would implode or something.
I'm not writing about this to shame anyone, by the way. I know that there have been plenty of people who have innocently asked about whether or not we've found the naming process difficult or not. And I only mention this because it's my own anxiety that gets in the way when these types of questions are raised.
You see, I'm horrible at keeping "good news" secrets. In fact, I was in charge of a youth camp the week before I proposed to Jan, and every single kid, leader, and camp dog whose name didn't start with "J" and end with an "n" knew about it. That's not hyperbole. I'm sure that that kid, John, felt really left out. I'm actually pretty surprised that I caught Jan off guard when it all went down. Good job summer camp '05!
Now, every time someone asks the question, there's always that surge of desire to blurt out a name. Thankfully, blogging allows you to proofread and think through what you're typing. But it makes me think about all the amazing things that are happening, big and small, that we never share because we think that no one will think it's a big deal. I seriously can't think of a good reason for this.
I think that I do it because I don't think people will care. You may do it for other reasons. Maybe you feel like only your best friends can be encouragement to you. Maybe you think that nothing good is happening in your life. To your excuse and mine I say, "Skubalon!" (look it up you'll know what I mean)
I'll show you what I mean. Jan and I were leaving from her latest check-up this past Monday. As we were getting off the elevator, a very nice older lady asked THE question:
Lady: Do you have names picked out yet?
Me: Yeah
Lady: Oh, that's exciting! You'll love your daughter, but you'll love your grandchildren even more! When you get to be my age you remember the good times with your kids, but you cherish the time with your grandchildren.
Can you imagine how that made me feel? Someone I didn't even know made me think about the crazy awesome that was about to hit my life. This is the gift that keeps on giving, and yeah, it's going to be hard, but it'll be amazing. And if we had just put our heads down and been all, "Don't make eye contact! Condition Blue!" we would have missed out on a cool reminder. It's not about midnight feedings or teenage angst, but about a legacy that starts in September. It'll be a testament to Jan and I as parents. It'll be a continuation of our families, and one day she'll pass that on to her family. And so on until the Lord comes back. And I would have missed out on that mind-blowing thought if we hadn't been open enough to share a joy and blessing in our life.
I'd love to hear about some cool things going on in your life. Maybe something you thought no one would care about. Here I'll start:
I only hit my snooze button once today :D
I'm not writing about this to shame anyone, by the way. I know that there have been plenty of people who have innocently asked about whether or not we've found the naming process difficult or not. And I only mention this because it's my own anxiety that gets in the way when these types of questions are raised.
You see, I'm horrible at keeping "good news" secrets. In fact, I was in charge of a youth camp the week before I proposed to Jan, and every single kid, leader, and camp dog whose name didn't start with "J" and end with an "n" knew about it. That's not hyperbole. I'm sure that that kid, John, felt really left out. I'm actually pretty surprised that I caught Jan off guard when it all went down. Good job summer camp '05!
Now, every time someone asks the question, there's always that surge of desire to blurt out a name. Thankfully, blogging allows you to proofread and think through what you're typing. But it makes me think about all the amazing things that are happening, big and small, that we never share because we think that no one will think it's a big deal. I seriously can't think of a good reason for this.
I think that I do it because I don't think people will care. You may do it for other reasons. Maybe you feel like only your best friends can be encouragement to you. Maybe you think that nothing good is happening in your life. To your excuse and mine I say, "Skubalon!" (look it up you'll know what I mean)
I'll show you what I mean. Jan and I were leaving from her latest check-up this past Monday. As we were getting off the elevator, a very nice older lady asked THE question:
Lady: Do you have names picked out yet?
Me: Yeah
Lady: Oh, that's exciting! You'll love your daughter, but you'll love your grandchildren even more! When you get to be my age you remember the good times with your kids, but you cherish the time with your grandchildren.
Can you imagine how that made me feel? Someone I didn't even know made me think about the crazy awesome that was about to hit my life. This is the gift that keeps on giving, and yeah, it's going to be hard, but it'll be amazing. And if we had just put our heads down and been all, "Don't make eye contact! Condition Blue!" we would have missed out on a cool reminder. It's not about midnight feedings or teenage angst, but about a legacy that starts in September. It'll be a testament to Jan and I as parents. It'll be a continuation of our families, and one day she'll pass that on to her family. And so on until the Lord comes back. And I would have missed out on that mind-blowing thought if we hadn't been open enough to share a joy and blessing in our life.
I'd love to hear about some cool things going on in your life. Maybe something you thought no one would care about. Here I'll start:
I only hit my snooze button once today :D
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
VBS=Ego Stroking
That's right it's that time of year again. Painted cardboard backgrounds abound, songs that require you (as an adult leader) to dance and make hand signs like a fool, and crafts a-plenty completely consume every room of the church. I enjoy this time of the year every year. It's always just fun to hang out with kids, and man, do they get excited about VBS.
We tend to forget how awesome some things are when you're a kid. I vaguely remember summer being a magical time when anything could happen. I, unfortunately, never had a VBS experience, but I remember the feeling of summer. And I know that learning about Jesus and hanging out with my friends three hours a day for a week would make it an evening of Tolkien proportions. I got a glimpse of that crazy excitement last night at the first night of VBS.
The last couple years I've been in charge of the skits that wrap up the opening sessions. It's a lot of fun. Mainly because you can make up really ridiculous scenes and none of the kids think, "Well, that doesn't make any sense what-so-ever." For some reason the kids absolutely love anyone who sets foot on stage anyway. It's kind of like we're rock stars.
Anyway, all I was doing was walking down a hall. I wasn't even walking particularly funny. Along one of the walls was a line of kids waiting to get into the gym to eat before the fun started. As I walked by, one of the kids yelled out, "NEIL!!!! GO NEIL!! GO NEIL!!" Pretty soon I had 20-30 children yelling, "GO NEIL!!" As I danced back to the gym, giving high-5's as I went, the chanting turned from "GO NEIL!!" to just "NE-IL!! NE-IL!!" It was a great moment. Everyone needs to have the experience of a group of people chanting their name. Even if they're an out of shape 30 year old.
But as I started thinking about it, I got kind of scared. Most of those kids didn't even know who I was. Some of them only know me because I'm friends with their parents, and still others only see me on Sundays. That's a lot of responsibility. Those kids are looking up to me! Am I being the type of example they should follow?
This summer, if you're helping at a VBS, I challenge you to take a minute to think about what you're actually doing. You're impacting kids. You're not just helping them glue cotton balls on paper or feeding them snacks, or even teaching them the awesomeness of flannel graphs. You're showing them Jesus by the way you teach, feed, or serve them. I pray we take that seriously.
We tend to forget how awesome some things are when you're a kid. I vaguely remember summer being a magical time when anything could happen. I, unfortunately, never had a VBS experience, but I remember the feeling of summer. And I know that learning about Jesus and hanging out with my friends three hours a day for a week would make it an evening of Tolkien proportions. I got a glimpse of that crazy excitement last night at the first night of VBS.
The last couple years I've been in charge of the skits that wrap up the opening sessions. It's a lot of fun. Mainly because you can make up really ridiculous scenes and none of the kids think, "Well, that doesn't make any sense what-so-ever." For some reason the kids absolutely love anyone who sets foot on stage anyway. It's kind of like we're rock stars.
Anyway, all I was doing was walking down a hall. I wasn't even walking particularly funny. Along one of the walls was a line of kids waiting to get into the gym to eat before the fun started. As I walked by, one of the kids yelled out, "NEIL!!!! GO NEIL!! GO NEIL!!" Pretty soon I had 20-30 children yelling, "GO NEIL!!" As I danced back to the gym, giving high-5's as I went, the chanting turned from "GO NEIL!!" to just "NE-IL!! NE-IL!!" It was a great moment. Everyone needs to have the experience of a group of people chanting their name. Even if they're an out of shape 30 year old.
But as I started thinking about it, I got kind of scared. Most of those kids didn't even know who I was. Some of them only know me because I'm friends with their parents, and still others only see me on Sundays. That's a lot of responsibility. Those kids are looking up to me! Am I being the type of example they should follow?
This summer, if you're helping at a VBS, I challenge you to take a minute to think about what you're actually doing. You're impacting kids. You're not just helping them glue cotton balls on paper or feeding them snacks, or even teaching them the awesomeness of flannel graphs. You're showing them Jesus by the way you teach, feed, or serve them. I pray we take that seriously.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Brotherly Love?
You may find it hard to believe, but I am kind of a horrible brother. I know, your world is shattered, and you're officially going to stop following me now.
I have a sister who is three years and couple months younger than me. We get along pretty well for siblings. When we were kids that wasn't always the case, but as we got older we grew closer. Which was good because we went to O'Neill Public High School 20-30 miles away from our house. It was a long drive to start the day off, but it gave us to chance to listen to Five Iron Frenzy, MxPx, Slick Shoes, and Dogwood on the way to school (I know that some of you have never heard of those bands and that's ok). Those were some of the best drives of my life honestly. I loved driving my sister to and from school, church, and youth group. It was a chance to listen to music, talk, and laugh together. And for the longest time that's the only way I remembered it. That is, until my sister filled me in on a different reality.
My sister and I didn't stay close for a while. I moved to Phoenix, and fell off the face of the planet. I'm horrible at making calls home. I'm the guy that comedians make, "How come you never call your mother?" bits about. Almost three years ago, my wife and I moved back to Nebraska, and thankfully my sister lives in the same city. We hang out every once and a while, and it's super fun. It's nice to be able to play The New Super Mario Brothers Wii with someone other than just me and Jan!
We were having a cookout at my sister's house one day. I don't even know how but the conversation turned to high school times, but it did. What follows is the conversation as best I can remember it:
Me: Ah! Those were good times! Remember the Century (our '93 Buick Century)?
Rose: Yeah! It was a good car. Remember all those times you forgot to take me home from school?
Me: What?!
Rose: Yeah, you'd be talking to friends or something after One-Acts or Track or Cross Country and just leave. I'd watch you pull out of the parking lot from the student lounge, and then have to call mom to come and get me. (This was before the world domination of cell phones)
Honestly, interwebz, I couldn't remember a single conversation about me forgetting my sister 20 miles from home. I'm ashamed to think that this happened, and even worse to think that I can't even remember the conversations my exasperated mother must have had with me. I still apologize to my sister every time I think about that exchange.
We all have family hang ups. There's that weird cousin, or the crazy uncle who collects Elvis ashtrays and puts on concerts with the weird cousin. But it's particularly hard on us when the offenses of childhood, and even adulthood, are perpetrated by those who we spent all our life with. Unless you're putting up a massive mental block, you probably don't remember a part of your childhood that didn't involve parents, care givers, or siblings. I think that's why Joseph's story of forgiveness is so amazing.
We all have negative stories to tell about our siblings, but I hope none of yours have tried to sell you into slavery and then create an elaborate murder story to cover it up. The tough part is that all the stuff Joseph suffered (and ultimately the blessings also) wouldn't have happened had they put their jealousy aside. If you haven't read this before or for a long time you need to head over to Genesis 37 and read to the end of the book. I'm about to tell you the end of the story, so stop reading if you don't want spoilers.
Still here? Good. Genesis 50 opens on a poignant scene. Joseph and his brothers are starting the process of mourning and burying their father, Jacob aka Israel. The first fourteen verses lay out the processional, services, and burial, but at verse fifteen it rewinds a bit:
15 When Joseph's brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, "What if Joseph bears a grudge against us and pays us back in full for all the wrong which we did to him!"
16 So they sent a message to Joseph, saying, "Your father charged before he died, saying,
17 'Thus you shall say to Joseph, "Please forgive (Heb. nasa, to lift, carry, take), I beg you, the transgression of your brothers and their sin, for they did you wrong.'" And now, please forgive (nasa) the transgression of the servants of the God of your father." And Joseph wept when they spoke to him.
Man talk about trying to cover you backside! Using your father's death to make sure your uber-influential brother doesn't call in a few favors is bold move, if by bold you mean completely self-centered and inappropriate. But I can understand where they're coming from. I feel the same tension every time I'm in my sister's presence and I think back to that conversation three years ago.
What I find even more amazing is Joseph's response:
18 Then his brothers also came and fell down before him and said, "Behold, we are your servants."
19 But Joseph said to them, "Do not be afraid, for am I in God's place?
20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive
21 So therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones." So he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.
Honestly, that wrecks my life. There are times I'm the brothers and I fail to come clean. There's also times I'm in Joseph's shoes and fail to respond in the same way. I just lack perspective most of the time in all honesty. I lack the perspective to see that what God does through others' trespasses and the trespasses I impose on others can be good. I don't even have a good answer for what that good is in retrospect sometimes, but I know it's there.
I think to realize that you are in "God's place" is the hardest of all lessons to learn in that passage. We all have enough of a sense of justice to know when we're wronged and when we're wronging. But to see how you're exactly where God wants you at all times? Man, that's hard. There's a great parallel that runs in that passage, by the way. It's a throw back to the very beginning of the book. You know, the part where God laid everything (the universe, the earth, us) out and "saw that it was good?" He looks at our lives and sees that it's good because He's making it according to His will. He's laying the track, and we have the means to keep the engine running. We either fire it or we don't. We either progress or we stagnate. Whatever happens, He'll use it to make us who He wants us to be.
We forget that in the midst of our pain and shame He is working on a much bigger canvas than we can possibly imagine. Joseph saw that because of the sin brought against him, not in spite of it. I hope I can be more honest than the brothers, and see as clearly as Joseph did.
I have a sister who is three years and couple months younger than me. We get along pretty well for siblings. When we were kids that wasn't always the case, but as we got older we grew closer. Which was good because we went to O'Neill Public High School 20-30 miles away from our house. It was a long drive to start the day off, but it gave us to chance to listen to Five Iron Frenzy, MxPx, Slick Shoes, and Dogwood on the way to school (I know that some of you have never heard of those bands and that's ok). Those were some of the best drives of my life honestly. I loved driving my sister to and from school, church, and youth group. It was a chance to listen to music, talk, and laugh together. And for the longest time that's the only way I remembered it. That is, until my sister filled me in on a different reality.
My sister and I didn't stay close for a while. I moved to Phoenix, and fell off the face of the planet. I'm horrible at making calls home. I'm the guy that comedians make, "How come you never call your mother?" bits about. Almost three years ago, my wife and I moved back to Nebraska, and thankfully my sister lives in the same city. We hang out every once and a while, and it's super fun. It's nice to be able to play The New Super Mario Brothers Wii with someone other than just me and Jan!
We were having a cookout at my sister's house one day. I don't even know how but the conversation turned to high school times, but it did. What follows is the conversation as best I can remember it:
Me: Ah! Those were good times! Remember the Century (our '93 Buick Century)?
Rose: Yeah! It was a good car. Remember all those times you forgot to take me home from school?
Me: What?!
Rose: Yeah, you'd be talking to friends or something after One-Acts or Track or Cross Country and just leave. I'd watch you pull out of the parking lot from the student lounge, and then have to call mom to come and get me. (This was before the world domination of cell phones)
Honestly, interwebz, I couldn't remember a single conversation about me forgetting my sister 20 miles from home. I'm ashamed to think that this happened, and even worse to think that I can't even remember the conversations my exasperated mother must have had with me. I still apologize to my sister every time I think about that exchange.
We all have family hang ups. There's that weird cousin, or the crazy uncle who collects Elvis ashtrays and puts on concerts with the weird cousin. But it's particularly hard on us when the offenses of childhood, and even adulthood, are perpetrated by those who we spent all our life with. Unless you're putting up a massive mental block, you probably don't remember a part of your childhood that didn't involve parents, care givers, or siblings. I think that's why Joseph's story of forgiveness is so amazing.
We all have negative stories to tell about our siblings, but I hope none of yours have tried to sell you into slavery and then create an elaborate murder story to cover it up. The tough part is that all the stuff Joseph suffered (and ultimately the blessings also) wouldn't have happened had they put their jealousy aside. If you haven't read this before or for a long time you need to head over to Genesis 37 and read to the end of the book. I'm about to tell you the end of the story, so stop reading if you don't want spoilers.
Still here? Good. Genesis 50 opens on a poignant scene. Joseph and his brothers are starting the process of mourning and burying their father, Jacob aka Israel. The first fourteen verses lay out the processional, services, and burial, but at verse fifteen it rewinds a bit:
15 When Joseph's brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, "What if Joseph bears a grudge against us and pays us back in full for all the wrong which we did to him!"
16 So they sent a message to Joseph, saying, "Your father charged before he died, saying,
17 'Thus you shall say to Joseph, "Please forgive (Heb. nasa, to lift, carry, take), I beg you, the transgression of your brothers and their sin, for they did you wrong.'" And now, please forgive (nasa) the transgression of the servants of the God of your father." And Joseph wept when they spoke to him.
Man talk about trying to cover you backside! Using your father's death to make sure your uber-influential brother doesn't call in a few favors is bold move, if by bold you mean completely self-centered and inappropriate. But I can understand where they're coming from. I feel the same tension every time I'm in my sister's presence and I think back to that conversation three years ago.
What I find even more amazing is Joseph's response:
18 Then his brothers also came and fell down before him and said, "Behold, we are your servants."
19 But Joseph said to them, "Do not be afraid, for am I in God's place?
20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive
21 So therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones." So he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.
Honestly, that wrecks my life. There are times I'm the brothers and I fail to come clean. There's also times I'm in Joseph's shoes and fail to respond in the same way. I just lack perspective most of the time in all honesty. I lack the perspective to see that what God does through others' trespasses and the trespasses I impose on others can be good. I don't even have a good answer for what that good is in retrospect sometimes, but I know it's there.
I think to realize that you are in "God's place" is the hardest of all lessons to learn in that passage. We all have enough of a sense of justice to know when we're wronged and when we're wronging. But to see how you're exactly where God wants you at all times? Man, that's hard. There's a great parallel that runs in that passage, by the way. It's a throw back to the very beginning of the book. You know, the part where God laid everything (the universe, the earth, us) out and "saw that it was good?" He looks at our lives and sees that it's good because He's making it according to His will. He's laying the track, and we have the means to keep the engine running. We either fire it or we don't. We either progress or we stagnate. Whatever happens, He'll use it to make us who He wants us to be.
We forget that in the midst of our pain and shame He is working on a much bigger canvas than we can possibly imagine. Joseph saw that because of the sin brought against him, not in spite of it. I hope I can be more honest than the brothers, and see as clearly as Joseph did.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
A Layer of Kindling
So every Tuesday I have invited the high school boys to our house for games and bbq. It's a pretty fun time. We get to test our skills against each other in playing Nazi Zombies, while at the same time growing together as we work as two person teams. And we get to get fat off of burgers, hot dogs, and brats. It starts on the deck and then migrates to the basement.
Yesterday, Jan asked me to water her garden while she had a day business trip to Scottsbluff. I was thankful and you'll know why in a moment.
We have a charcoal grill. It makes the food taste awesome but also has a bit of a process to start the coals. You have to dump them in our handy-dandy coal starter, let them sit and warm up for a while, then try your best to shift them around without burning your eyebrows off. This looks something akin to flipping pancakes over and over again except it involves fire, which makes it awesome.
Unfortunately, the coals were flaky yesterday (meaning they flaked, not that they didn't show up) and lots of cinders fell out as I attempted to toss them in the grill. I burned my foot. I also almost uttered words that would have gotten me fired. I was mad at myself for grilling barefoot, but also for charring my deck.
Our deck is also awesome. It's ceder, but it's big and comfortable to eat on. The owner two owners ago built it, but he also built the part that leads to our kitchen over the existing concrete steps up to the kitchen door. I don't know why, but he decided that it would be wise to hem in the top step with support boards that run the length of the deck. This was not wise.
You see, leafs and helicopters (little seed things that fall off the trees and overtake your neighborhood in the Spring here in Nebraska) like to get caught in there and dry out. So when a cinder falls in that particular part of the deck it's perfect for starting a fire.
I kept asking myself, "What is that weird smell?" Until I looked down and saw the tiny columns of smoke floating up from under the part of the deck nearest to our house. The only thought that popped into my head was, "Where there's smoke there's fire!" (Thanks Cub Scouts). A split second of panic set in, but then I remembered the hose. I almost didn't water Jan's garden. I almost left the hose coiled at the front of the house, but there it sat like a leaky, green serpent of deck salvation. Forty-five minutes of deck spraying later no more smoke, no more fire. Just wet feet and a slightly concerned and obsessively dousing home owner.
I thought about it this morning a lot. Not just because I would be kicking myself for the rest of my life for burning down my first home, but because life has a fine layer of kindling to it. It reminded me of Hebrews 12:
25 See to it that you do not refuse Him who is speaking. For if those did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, much less will we escape who turn away from Him who warns from heaven.
26 And His voice shook the earth then, but now He has promised, saying, "YET ONCE MORE I WILL SHAKE NOT ONLY THE EARTH, BUT ALSO THE HEAVEN."
27 This expression, "Yet once more," denotes the removing of those things which can be shaken, as of created things, so that those things which cannot be shaken may remain.
28 Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe;
29 for our God is a consuming fire.
Something that happens a bunch in that book is the contrast of Judaism and following Christ. While God revealed Himself to the people via Moses on Mt. Sinai, the people "refused him." Over and over again God reached out, but the people turned away. We live in a time when Christ has come, He's risen, and He's coming again. His words and life are our guideposts, and yet we live like they aren't most of the time. We essentially pack kindling on top of the beautiful, combustible structure that is life. He will consume that which isn't of worth to get at what is, and that can be painful. Sometimes it takes complete destruction to realize what we had, and that what's left are the only things that are truly important. Sometimes we just throw up our hands and go our own way, ignoring the beauty of what's left for the temporary things we treasured.
I've been guilty of both in my life. I just hope that this episode reminds we not to store up any literal or metaphorical kindling in life. I pray that when it's said and done that the whole of my life is packed with things that "cannot be shaken," i.e. things that were dedicated to the Kingdom and the King. Everything else is really just flash paper.
How about you? Are you building something of worth or just stacking kindling?
Yesterday, Jan asked me to water her garden while she had a day business trip to Scottsbluff. I was thankful and you'll know why in a moment.
We have a charcoal grill. It makes the food taste awesome but also has a bit of a process to start the coals. You have to dump them in our handy-dandy coal starter, let them sit and warm up for a while, then try your best to shift them around without burning your eyebrows off. This looks something akin to flipping pancakes over and over again except it involves fire, which makes it awesome.
Unfortunately, the coals were flaky yesterday (meaning they flaked, not that they didn't show up) and lots of cinders fell out as I attempted to toss them in the grill. I burned my foot. I also almost uttered words that would have gotten me fired. I was mad at myself for grilling barefoot, but also for charring my deck.
Our deck is also awesome. It's ceder, but it's big and comfortable to eat on. The owner two owners ago built it, but he also built the part that leads to our kitchen over the existing concrete steps up to the kitchen door. I don't know why, but he decided that it would be wise to hem in the top step with support boards that run the length of the deck. This was not wise.
You see, leafs and helicopters (little seed things that fall off the trees and overtake your neighborhood in the Spring here in Nebraska) like to get caught in there and dry out. So when a cinder falls in that particular part of the deck it's perfect for starting a fire.
I kept asking myself, "What is that weird smell?" Until I looked down and saw the tiny columns of smoke floating up from under the part of the deck nearest to our house. The only thought that popped into my head was, "Where there's smoke there's fire!" (Thanks Cub Scouts). A split second of panic set in, but then I remembered the hose. I almost didn't water Jan's garden. I almost left the hose coiled at the front of the house, but there it sat like a leaky, green serpent of deck salvation. Forty-five minutes of deck spraying later no more smoke, no more fire. Just wet feet and a slightly concerned and obsessively dousing home owner.
I thought about it this morning a lot. Not just because I would be kicking myself for the rest of my life for burning down my first home, but because life has a fine layer of kindling to it. It reminded me of Hebrews 12:
25 See to it that you do not refuse Him who is speaking. For if those did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, much less will we escape who turn away from Him who warns from heaven.
26 And His voice shook the earth then, but now He has promised, saying, "YET ONCE MORE I WILL SHAKE NOT ONLY THE EARTH, BUT ALSO THE HEAVEN."
27 This expression, "Yet once more," denotes the removing of those things which can be shaken, as of created things, so that those things which cannot be shaken may remain.
28 Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe;
29 for our God is a consuming fire.
Something that happens a bunch in that book is the contrast of Judaism and following Christ. While God revealed Himself to the people via Moses on Mt. Sinai, the people "refused him." Over and over again God reached out, but the people turned away. We live in a time when Christ has come, He's risen, and He's coming again. His words and life are our guideposts, and yet we live like they aren't most of the time. We essentially pack kindling on top of the beautiful, combustible structure that is life. He will consume that which isn't of worth to get at what is, and that can be painful. Sometimes it takes complete destruction to realize what we had, and that what's left are the only things that are truly important. Sometimes we just throw up our hands and go our own way, ignoring the beauty of what's left for the temporary things we treasured.
I've been guilty of both in my life. I just hope that this episode reminds we not to store up any literal or metaphorical kindling in life. I pray that when it's said and done that the whole of my life is packed with things that "cannot be shaken," i.e. things that were dedicated to the Kingdom and the King. Everything else is really just flash paper.
How about you? Are you building something of worth or just stacking kindling?
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Storm's-a-Brewing
Even as I started to write this post I thought to myself, "This really doesn't have anything to do with what I'm learning." Man, I don't really know what growth is then. I posted earlier about how funny it is that God almost instantly allows opportunities in your life as soon as you say that you're going to challenge yourself with something like forgiveness. After the euphoria of starting a blog and being enthralled that people actually read it, it's easy to forget that it's not about the publicity, or the kudos (both words of affirmation and the candy bars which are delicious by the way, or even about what other people think. This is me and God doing business, and I just want to be honest with you all about where I struggle. I'm not above knowing that I can sometimes do things for the wrong reasons, and any prayers beseeching God to remind me of why I started this would be great. Bottom line, I'm giving you permission to Jesus Juke me if needed.
Like I just said, there's a pretty wild storm coming I feel. I've felt this way for awhile. I think that I perceived it as different things throughout the years. First, in my longing to be done with this messed up world when I know that there's something far better and perfect ahead. The idea of not having to pay bills was especially attractive to me for some reason, even though my Mom and Dad were paying all the bills at the time. It then manifested in the injustice that happens everyday. It still makes me squirm in my seat thinking that there is some kid out there somewhere not eating, afraid of his parents, or feeling like she has no way out of any number of horrible situations. It makes me angry most of the time.
It's a lot like a storm really. Everything seems normal and calm, but there's this darkness that looms over everything. The clouds look menacing but your life is stable so you move on. Then, when you're not paying attention, it hits. If you're not ready it wrecks your world. It tears at your roof and knocks down your trees. It floods the basement and it breaks the windows. And after all that, everything goes back to normal. Except for all the destruction the storm brought.
We had a very vivid picture of that a few weeks ago. I'm sure no one in Joplin, MO thought that May 22 would be the last day that their section of town would the way it had always been. I can't imagine the horror of having your life scattered for miles by nothing more than two fronts meeting. I also wonder what it must be like to see people from all over the country taking time off of their lives to come help. See, in spite of how terrible the storm is, there's always that smell of rain afterwards. It's like a reminder that things can be new again.
I certainly don't want to make light of what those people are going through right now. My life is in no way as devastated as Joplin. I have a good job. My wife's healthy, and so is the baby that she carries. I even have time during the week to do things that I want to do. I guess it's the calm that gets me worried. I don't want it to lull me into complacency. I want the storm. I don't want to ignore the clouds that are gathering around me right now. If destruction of my carefully crafted, safe life is what it takes, then bring it on. That's scary to type. It's even scarier to confirm with God that I'm willing to commit to that. By being here you're like aid workers to my life. No matter where you're at in life, just being here and helping me process means more than you will know. It's my rain smell.
Like I just said, there's a pretty wild storm coming I feel. I've felt this way for awhile. I think that I perceived it as different things throughout the years. First, in my longing to be done with this messed up world when I know that there's something far better and perfect ahead. The idea of not having to pay bills was especially attractive to me for some reason, even though my Mom and Dad were paying all the bills at the time. It then manifested in the injustice that happens everyday. It still makes me squirm in my seat thinking that there is some kid out there somewhere not eating, afraid of his parents, or feeling like she has no way out of any number of horrible situations. It makes me angry most of the time.
It's a lot like a storm really. Everything seems normal and calm, but there's this darkness that looms over everything. The clouds look menacing but your life is stable so you move on. Then, when you're not paying attention, it hits. If you're not ready it wrecks your world. It tears at your roof and knocks down your trees. It floods the basement and it breaks the windows. And after all that, everything goes back to normal. Except for all the destruction the storm brought.
We had a very vivid picture of that a few weeks ago. I'm sure no one in Joplin, MO thought that May 22 would be the last day that their section of town would the way it had always been. I can't imagine the horror of having your life scattered for miles by nothing more than two fronts meeting. I also wonder what it must be like to see people from all over the country taking time off of their lives to come help. See, in spite of how terrible the storm is, there's always that smell of rain afterwards. It's like a reminder that things can be new again.
I certainly don't want to make light of what those people are going through right now. My life is in no way as devastated as Joplin. I have a good job. My wife's healthy, and so is the baby that she carries. I even have time during the week to do things that I want to do. I guess it's the calm that gets me worried. I don't want it to lull me into complacency. I want the storm. I don't want to ignore the clouds that are gathering around me right now. If destruction of my carefully crafted, safe life is what it takes, then bring it on. That's scary to type. It's even scarier to confirm with God that I'm willing to commit to that. By being here you're like aid workers to my life. No matter where you're at in life, just being here and helping me process means more than you will know. It's my rain smell.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Gung Ho
I'm not even sure if I spelled this title right! Anyway, I'm sorry all. I'm still trying to figure out posting schedule stuff. I think it'll probably end up being once a week with the occasional post in between. Make sure that you check back on Thursdays, and if you follow me or are friends with me on Twitter or Facebook, look for updates! Thank you all for wanting to take a journey with me!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Housekeeping
So I've been thinking about posting schedule and all that jazz. Go figure I didn't really have a set idea in my head. I just started a blog, and expected my meager audience to check it regularly to get nuggets of wisdom. Sheesh, talk about self-centered! I did you all a great disservice yesterday by not having a plan. A whole day in and I'm already asking y'all for forgiveness. Well, I guess we're on a roll for my second post ever!
Anyway, here's what I was thinking: I'll post big updates every Thursday (i.e. updates that have what I've been studying). I'll try to post this sometime before 10 am Central time. My plan for Friday through Wednesday is to post daily as I encounter chances to forgive or goofy anecdotes from my daily struggle. I'll do my best to post daily, but please give me grace if I miss one or two. I'll probably miss on weekends because, well, I get lazy on Saturday and that may not be right but it's honest. If you have better ideas for posting schedules, please leave me some comments with your thoughts.
Well, here goes the second official post:
"Who puts a crapton of packing peanuts in a trash bag, and then leaves it in a gym for a week?" That was my thought yesterday as I was doing some impromptu cleaning in the church's gym. The senior pastor had come in (he is on vacation this week) to drop some party stuff off for something his family is doing this Saturday. He noticed some trash bags and assorted junk in the corner of the gym that I had noticed last week (I figured our cleaning team would pick it up). He then called the office and asked that we take care of it.
I hate cleaning anyway. I could be a jerk and keep reminding myself and everyone around me that this isn't in my job description. Even as I type that sentence I keep thinking, "Oh really? You're job description of life isn't to be a servant?!" Anyway, I started to pick it up only to realize that one bag was full of styrofoam packing peanuts, and that just happened to be the bag that broke open.
Have you ever tried to sweep up stryofoam from a plastic gym floor? It's doesn't clean well. Seriously, those peanuts must have viewed the floor as if it was their favorite binky or something. With every dustpan full of peanuts I could feel the anger rising. "Why am I the one doing this? Who left this mess? Seriously, I need to figure out who did this so I can make sure they know not to do it again. This is the reason the world's falling apart: People leave packing peanuts in a trash bag that hasn't been securely closed and then some unsuspecting schmo has to clean it up. It's like peanut-geddon."
Then it hit me: That's a very unforgiving attitude. You're getting upset over something ridiculous. There could be any number of reasons that people left these here, and none of them are as specific as, "Let's stick it to Neil." If you're this unforgiving in something that someone probably did unintentionally, and is as little as having to pick up statically velcroed pieces of styrofoam, how on Earth are you going to be able to forgive huge injustices. You can't be trusted with big things until you are shown faithful in the small.
So as I finished up cleaning my little polystyrene friends, God brought me to the realization that if this blog is to be a success I'm going to have to let go of a few things. Mainly my own selfish need to have justice done, and for me to be the vessel of justice. Don't get me wrong, we can be the catalyst for God's justice, but a lot of the time it's our brand of justice we seek to dish out rather than that which would be in God's time and desire. In other words, we're selfish, and we seek to fulfill our own want rather than what is needed. I don't want to be that. I want to be the opposite of that. I don't want forgiveness defeated by static cling.
Anyway, here's what I was thinking: I'll post big updates every Thursday (i.e. updates that have what I've been studying). I'll try to post this sometime before 10 am Central time. My plan for Friday through Wednesday is to post daily as I encounter chances to forgive or goofy anecdotes from my daily struggle. I'll do my best to post daily, but please give me grace if I miss one or two. I'll probably miss on weekends because, well, I get lazy on Saturday and that may not be right but it's honest. If you have better ideas for posting schedules, please leave me some comments with your thoughts.
Well, here goes the second official post:
"Who puts a crapton of packing peanuts in a trash bag, and then leaves it in a gym for a week?" That was my thought yesterday as I was doing some impromptu cleaning in the church's gym. The senior pastor had come in (he is on vacation this week) to drop some party stuff off for something his family is doing this Saturday. He noticed some trash bags and assorted junk in the corner of the gym that I had noticed last week (I figured our cleaning team would pick it up). He then called the office and asked that we take care of it.
I hate cleaning anyway. I could be a jerk and keep reminding myself and everyone around me that this isn't in my job description. Even as I type that sentence I keep thinking, "Oh really? You're job description of life isn't to be a servant?!" Anyway, I started to pick it up only to realize that one bag was full of styrofoam packing peanuts, and that just happened to be the bag that broke open.
Have you ever tried to sweep up stryofoam from a plastic gym floor? It's doesn't clean well. Seriously, those peanuts must have viewed the floor as if it was their favorite binky or something. With every dustpan full of peanuts I could feel the anger rising. "Why am I the one doing this? Who left this mess? Seriously, I need to figure out who did this so I can make sure they know not to do it again. This is the reason the world's falling apart: People leave packing peanuts in a trash bag that hasn't been securely closed and then some unsuspecting schmo has to clean it up. It's like peanut-geddon."
Then it hit me: That's a very unforgiving attitude. You're getting upset over something ridiculous. There could be any number of reasons that people left these here, and none of them are as specific as, "Let's stick it to Neil." If you're this unforgiving in something that someone probably did unintentionally, and is as little as having to pick up statically velcroed pieces of styrofoam, how on Earth are you going to be able to forgive huge injustices. You can't be trusted with big things until you are shown faithful in the small.
So as I finished up cleaning my little polystyrene friends, God brought me to the realization that if this blog is to be a success I'm going to have to let go of a few things. Mainly my own selfish need to have justice done, and for me to be the vessel of justice. Don't get me wrong, we can be the catalyst for God's justice, but a lot of the time it's our brand of justice we seek to dish out rather than that which would be in God's time and desire. In other words, we're selfish, and we seek to fulfill our own want rather than what is needed. I don't want to be that. I want to be the opposite of that. I don't want forgiveness defeated by static cling.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
It began...
The final release of forgiveness came at the intersection of Q street and 120th. I sat in my car wondering. Just wondering why I am the way that I am. Not like I don't know that I'm created in God's image, but more just tired. I was tired of holding up a craptacular amount of junk that I refused to let go of. It has been making me angry for longer than I care to admit, and the funny thing is that if I were to be completely transparent with all two of you who are probably going to read this, I had convinced myself that I actually forgave the parties involved.
Six years ago I was involved in a church split in Phoenix. The details aren't important, and for the first time in a long time, I actually mean that. Seriously, this is the first time I'm able to mention it without feeling like I have to tell someone the whole story. Needless to say, it was painful. Some things were threatened (by myself and others) that were utterly ridiculous now looking back, but even more damaging was the lack of forgiveness.
I had myself convinced that I had forgiven them. After all, that's what you're supposed to do as a Christian, right? Turn the other cheek and all that. It's easier said than done for sure. To make a long story even longer, I cheapened the idea of forgiveness by pretending this long. At the corner of Q street and 120th, I finally, really forgave. I'm not even sure I really knew what that meant, but I'm going to find out.
That's the purpose of this blog. I'm going to journey through my Bible (and iPod, which contains my NASB) looking at God's forgiveness. I invite you to join me. You may have noticed that there's a verse in the title. It's 1 John 2:12-13 just in case you can't see it. I'm going to back up to verse 11 because John really hits the right chord for what I want this blog to be about:
11 But the one who hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going because the darkness has blinded his eyes.
12 I am writing to you, little children, because your sins have been forgiven (aphiemi: to send away, leave alone, permit) you for His name's sake.
13 I am writing to you, fathers, because you know Him who has been from the beginning. I am writing to you, young men, because you have overcome the evil one. I have written to you, children, because you know the Father.
1 John 2:11-13
Bottom line, I want to learn to be more in the Light. I'm tired of darkness. If you're joining me from the church I lead at, this is your disclaimer: I'm going to be honest here. It may not be fun to read sometimes. It may cover things you don't necessarily like or want to hear about from and concerning your youth pastor, but I think this is necessary. If even one person in or completely outside my existence outside of the interwebz is changed by what God has to say about forgiveness, then it's completely worth it.
Let's get started...wait, I need to call my wife to make sure she knows about all this. Dang, looks like I'm going to have to ask for forgiveness. Well, I guess that's a good way to start.
Six years ago I was involved in a church split in Phoenix. The details aren't important, and for the first time in a long time, I actually mean that. Seriously, this is the first time I'm able to mention it without feeling like I have to tell someone the whole story. Needless to say, it was painful. Some things were threatened (by myself and others) that were utterly ridiculous now looking back, but even more damaging was the lack of forgiveness.
I had myself convinced that I had forgiven them. After all, that's what you're supposed to do as a Christian, right? Turn the other cheek and all that. It's easier said than done for sure. To make a long story even longer, I cheapened the idea of forgiveness by pretending this long. At the corner of Q street and 120th, I finally, really forgave. I'm not even sure I really knew what that meant, but I'm going to find out.
That's the purpose of this blog. I'm going to journey through my Bible (and iPod, which contains my NASB) looking at God's forgiveness. I invite you to join me. You may have noticed that there's a verse in the title. It's 1 John 2:12-13 just in case you can't see it. I'm going to back up to verse 11 because John really hits the right chord for what I want this blog to be about:
11 But the one who hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going because the darkness has blinded his eyes.
12 I am writing to you, little children, because your sins have been forgiven (aphiemi: to send away, leave alone, permit) you for His name's sake.
13 I am writing to you, fathers, because you know Him who has been from the beginning. I am writing to you, young men, because you have overcome the evil one. I have written to you, children, because you know the Father.
1 John 2:11-13
Bottom line, I want to learn to be more in the Light. I'm tired of darkness. If you're joining me from the church I lead at, this is your disclaimer: I'm going to be honest here. It may not be fun to read sometimes. It may cover things you don't necessarily like or want to hear about from and concerning your youth pastor, but I think this is necessary. If even one person in or completely outside my existence outside of the interwebz is changed by what God has to say about forgiveness, then it's completely worth it.
Let's get started...wait, I need to call my wife to make sure she knows about all this. Dang, looks like I'm going to have to ask for forgiveness. Well, I guess that's a good way to start.
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