I really want to avoid being trite with this blog. What I mean is, that if all this ends up being is a never ending series of Jesus Jukes, then I should just stop right now. It doesn't make any sense for me to show you people what God is revealing about forgiveness if I'm not internalizing it at all. And, boy, do I fall into that trap sometimes.
Even though I may pretend like I don't care, I like it when people notice things I do. We all do to some extent, but some times the accolades take precedent for me. So, with this post, I'm going to filet open a part of my past I don't really talk about. Mainly because I spent a lot of my life not being honest about this particular struggle in my life.
My struggle has to do with everything sexual. I don't know why. I can't really explain it, but for as long as I can remember it's always been an area of my life that borders on obsessive. There are things in my head that I wish SO much that I could just forget and move on from, but there they are, like the friend that doesn't realize the party is over and still wants to watch all three extended editions of The Lord of the Rings movies. Is that my second Tolkien reference this week? Well, there goes my quota.
As I was studying this week, I tried so hard to come up with some way to get around writing this post.
"There's got to be some other topic you can talk about? They won't mind. It's not something you NEED to talk about. You're fine watering it down with some sort of movie reference or pop culture tie in. It doesn't need to be real. "
The last thought is what got me, "It doesn't need to be real. " Are you kidding me brain? I don't want MY thoughts on what God says about forgiveness to be real? Then I realized something:
1.) I was buying into a lie. I wasn't going to be fine if I just gave you a canned response to the section I read this week
2.) I was more afraid of losing a facade than of losing credibility.
3.) I believed that I was the only one who needed to learn something from my failing.
So here it is. If I had to judge my life-long purity record strictly from movies I've watched, magazines I've looked at, and websites I've visited, I would give myself a 2 out of 10. This will probably continue to be a struggle for the rest of my life. In the midst of a purity struggle, I have to remind myself that all that is fake and spend time quieting my mind with God: just praying, remembering, capturing thoughts, refocusing, and starting over again until it passes. It's a process I've gotten very used to, and thankfully one that hasn't turned into a methodology because if I were only doing this by rote then I'm sure that this wouldn't just be a struggle.
I know this is awkward for some of you reading, and if you've made it this far into the post, thank you! You're embarrassment is about to pay off.
I read Exodus 10:16-17 this week, and this is what it says:
16 Then Pharaoh hurriedly called for Moses and Aaron, and he said, “I have sinned against the LORD your God and against you.
17 Now therefore, please forgive (nasah; Heb. to life, carry, take) my sin only this once, and make supplication to the LORD your God, that He would only remove this death from me.”
If you don't know where we're at in Bible history, this is the scene: Moses has been called by God to go to Pharoah and tell him to "Let my people go!" We're eight plagues in at this point. Every time a plague happens Pharoah asks Moses to ask God to stop the plague, but doesn't acknowledge any wrong-doing. This is the first time that Pharoah acknowledges sin and "seeks" forgiveness. Notice that he still doesn't acknowledge God as his God. Notice also that he only asks for forgiveness "only this once." These are telling statements for Pharoah and the reason I didn't want to write this post.
Sometimes when I ask for forgiveness, I ask to be let out of the consequences. I want to be done with the guilt and shame, and then I go on my merry way only to fall into the next trap. You see, I'm really sorry for what I've did/have done. Sorry, I forgot you can't read sarcasm through the interwebz.
How can God's glory make itself apparent in that light? Here's the next part of the story:
18 He (Moses) went out from Pharaoh and made supplication to the LORD.
19 the LORD shifted the wind to a very strong west wind which took up the locusts and drove them into the Red Sea; not one locust was left in all the territory of Egypt.
Even though Pharoah hadn't given a single reason for God to believe his sincerity, He still swept the plague from the land when asked for forgiveness! I can't grasp that to be completely honest. After all Pharoah had put His people through and He still removes the locusts so that things can be renewed. Unfortunately that's not the end of this plague story.
20 But the LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart, and he did not let the sons of Israel go.
There's a confusing verse for you. Did God make Pharoah not "Let His people go?" Was God causing Pharoah to sin? Let me ask us another question, "What typically happens when you do something wrong and are forgiven with no questions asked?" If there were no conviction that what I had done was wrong, the answer would be, "Not care." I am desperately wicked. I will never take responsibility if at all possible or reasonable. I will fall into patterns of sin unless I'm given a guide.
The hard question I had to ask myself this week is this: How many times did I ask for forgiveness without ever wanting to hear anything about correction from the Guide? How many times did I take forgiveness only to not want my pattern to change? How many times did I not care that Jesus was nailed to a cross for this even though I took the benefits for granted?
I don't know where along the road that I stopped praying for forgiveness without praying for correction, but I'm glad I stumbled into it. I'm glad God was patient with me through the process. I pray that I never harden my heart that way again.
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